God,

I’ve prayed for someone like this for so long. Someone who sees me, and who still wants to stay, who still wants to show up for my heart and what it deserves. I’ve waited years for someone who is kind, who is patient, and who is safe; someone who accepts me just as I am, someone who changes the weather in my world. 

But now that I have it, God, I’m terrified of messing it all up. I’m scared it’s going to be taken away from me.

It’s strange how I can want something so badly and yet be so incredibly afraid of it at the same time. I’m afraid of my old patterns, the ones I’ve carried with me from past relationships. I’m afraid of my own insecurities, of my doubts, of the part of me that pushes people away when I feel too vulnerable or too perceived. I’m afraid that maybe I don’t fully believe I deserve this kind of love, and that I’ll sabotage it before it even has a chance to grow, before it even has a chance to root.

Please help me, God. Help me to stay grounded in the present, instead of constantly worrying about what could go wrong due to my past. Help me to see that this relationship is a gift, that it isn’t something that is bound to fail. Give me the courage to be honest about my fears, give me the strength to speak them out loud rather than letting them control me and pull me away from this goodness.

Remind me that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved, God. Remind me that I can be human, that I can care deeply while still being flawed, while still processing my own healing, and my own growth. Remind me that I can still be worthy of the good that’s come my way, despite the pain that has historically found me when it comes to matters of the heart. Teach me how to trust in the mutual respect and kindness that’s being offered to me, instead of bracing for the heartbreak I’m so used to expecting and anticipating.

And when I’m tempted to retreat into old habits, when I feel like I am shutting down, or lashing out, or letting my mind assume the worst, gently guide me back into my hope, God. Remind me to breathe, remind me to remember the person I have fought to become, remind me that growth is possible, that the past doesn’t have to be my future.

Thank you for this person God. Thank you for helping me to find someone who reflects your kindness in the way they care for me. Thank you for a chance to experience love in a way that doesn’t hurt. Help me to stop looking over my shoulder for something to go wrong, and instead, help me to cherish this moment, this connection, and this new beginning.

I’m ready to believe that I’m not doomed to repeat my past mistakes, God. I’m ready to lean into the love that’s right in front of me. I’m ready to trust that with you, there’s always room for a better story. There’s always room to finally merge with the human being I have dreamed of my whole life.

Amen.