God,

Sometimes I look back at the human being I used to be before I found you, and I don’t know what to do with the weight of my feelings. I mourn the choices I made, the paths I walked, the things I did when I didn’t know your love. I wish I could go back and undo every single aspect of that version of my life. I wish I could sit down with my younger self, take their hand, and say, “You are not alone. You don’t have to carry this pain. You can be saved, you can be loved.”

But I can’t, and that breaks me sometimes, God. 

I know you have made me new. I know you have washed me clean. But there are still days when I feel the ghost of who I was, when I remember the people I hurt, the wounds I caused, the ways I let myself down, just  because I was lost. There are still moments where I wonder how different my life might have been if I had found you sooner, if I had known your grace in the ways I do now.

I feel so much shame inside of me, God. It has taken residence in my soul, it keeps me awake at night. 

And I know you have forgiven me. I believe it in my mind, but sometimes, my heart struggles to meet that same understanding. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to move on, if I deserve to walk freely when the past still echoes in my mind. Sometimes, I replay my worst moments and I think, “God, how can you love me after that?”

But you do. You always have. Even when I didn’t know you. Even when I didn’t choose you. Even when I was running in the opposite direction — you never stopped seeing me. You never stopped loving me. You never stopped waiting with open arms.

So help me, God. Help me to believe in the presence of your grace. Help me to accept the mercy you have blessed upon me. Help me to stop punishing myself for things you have already let go of. Help me to learn from my past without chaining myself to it.

When regret tries to steal my joy, remind me that you are bigger than my worst mistakes. Remind me that nothing I have done is beyond your understanding. Remind me that the past may be written, but that my story isn’t over. Remind me that you are still leading me towards something beautiful, something hopeful.

Thank you for loving me, God. Thank you for redeeming what I thought was ruined. Thank you for making me whole, over and over again.

Amen.