Dear God, I’ve realized something terrible about myself, and I hope you can forgive me.
I’ve done a million bad things in this life, but the worst thing I’ve ever done is doubt your existence.
I’ve never considered myself an atheist, because it’s foolish to think that this massive and unfathomably complex universe sprang from nothing.
Through most of my life I’ve identified as an agnostic because in my arrogance masked as humility, I felt that humans aren’t intelligent enough to grasp why we’re here, so they invent fairytales called “religions” to suit their own psychological needs.
I also thought that the idea of “God”—an individual being separate from the rest of creation—was clearly a case of humans projecting themselves onto a universe they don’t, and can’t possibly, understand. I was very stubborn and even snotty about this belief.
Only in harrowing circumstances do I reach out to you, and you specifically.
That’s when I’m in an extreme emotional crisis and am gripped by fear for my life, health, or safety.
When I’m sweating and panicking and not sure I’ll live to see another day, I always pray to you, the Christian God, begging you to save me.
I never cry out to “the universe” to save me. I think that means I’m not really an agnostic.
There’s an old saying: “There are no atheists in foxholes.” It means that in times of extreme duress, like when you’re fighting a war in the trenches and bombs are exploding right over your head, everyone starts praying to God.
For way too long, I’ve been like the wayward son who only calls his father when he needs money or a place to stay—never to say “I love you” or to thank him for giving me life and keeping me alive.
When I beg you in my darkest hour, it’s almost as if I’m challenging you to prove your existence. And I always promise that if you grant me my wishes as if you were some magic genie, I’ll stop doubting you and live a sin-free life.
Sometimes you don’t grant me precisely what I pray for. But you’ve always let me keep on living. In my hubris, I’ve always said maybe it’s a coincidence, so I go along my merry agnostic way and continue making the same mistakes.
So today, the only thing I ask is that you forgive me for doubting your existence. It was me who had to prove myself to you.
Beyond that, I just called to say I love you, and thanks for keeping me alive.
