Boomers (1946-1964)
“Dear Heavenly Guardian Angel,
First, I want to thank you for all your blessings over these many years. You’ve helped see me through the Cold War, the moon landing, Watergate, and raising three children who still don’t call enough.
If you could put in a good word with the Lord about a few things, I’d be most grateful. Please watch over my grandchildren—they’re good kids, but they spend too much time on those phones and not enough time outside playing like we used to. Help them understand the value of hard work and respect for their elders.
I’m also asking for your protection during these troubled times. This country isn’t what it used to be, and I pray you’ll guide us back to the values that made America great. Help people remember what real sacrifice looks like—we didn’t have participation trophies growing up, and we turned out just fine.
Please keep my Social Security and Medicare intact, and if you could help me figure out why my email keeps getting hacked, that would be wonderful. Also, I’ve been having trouble with my knee, and the doctor says I need surgery, but I’d rather you just heal it naturally if that’s in your plan.
Guide my children to make better financial decisions and maybe visit more often. Amen.”
Gen Xers (1965-1980)
“Hey… uh, Guardian Angel? Look, I’m not really sure how this works, and honestly, I’m kind of skeptical about the whole thing.
If you’re actually up there and not just another thing Boomers made up to make us feel better—like trickle-down economics or ‘do your own thing’—could you maybe mention to God that I just don’t want to completely screw up my kid’s childhood the way mine got screwed up?
Look, if you could maybe mention to God that I’m not asking for miracles here. I just want my debit card to work at Target, for my boss to not be a complete sociopath, and for my back to stop hurting when I sleep wrong. Also, if you could make sure I don’t turn into one of those people who complain about ‘kids these days,’ that would be cool.
I mean, if you’re real and you’re listening and you’re not too busy with more important stuff. No pressure. I’ve gotten this far on my own, so whatever.
Amen, I guess? Is that how you end these things? Whatever. Thanks for listening. Or not. We’re good either way. I don’t really care.”
Millennials (1981-1996)
“Hi, Guardian Angel—sorry, is ‘Guardian Angel’ your preferred term? I want to be respectful.
Okay, so I’m having a bit of an existential crisis right now. Actually, it’s been going on for like… ten years? Could you maybe intercede with God about this? I know you probably have His ear more than I do right now, and I could really use some guidance here.
First, can you please help me figure out if I’m ever going to be able to afford a house? Like, I’ve been saving for a down payment since 2015, but avocado toast is apparently bankrupting my entire generation, so that’s fun. Also, my student loans are basically immortal at this point, so if you have any connections in the Department of Education, that would be amazing.
I’m trying to be mindful and practice gratitude, but it’s hard when the planet is literally dying and I can’t afford therapy. Speaking of which, could you maybe send me a sign about whether I should stay in this toxic job or quit and start that Etsy shop selling anxiety-relief candles?
Also, I know this is shallow, but my dating life is a disaster. Dating apps make me want to delete myself from existence. Please help me find someone emotionally available who’s also okay with my crippling anxiety and houseplant obsession.
Thank you for your service. Namaste.”
Zoomers (1997-2012)
“Yo Guardian Angel, hope you’re doing well bestie! No cap, I really need your help right now because life is literally not giving what it’s supposed to give, you feel me? Maybe put in a word with God for me? I’m really trying my best down here.
So like, first things first—please protect my mental health because the world is actually unhinged and I’m just trying to survive out here. Also, can you make sure my parents stop asking me about college when I’m still figuring out if college is even worth it with all this student debt drama?
I’m manifesting some good vibes for my friend group because we’re all struggling with anxiety and depression, but we’re trying to normalize talking about it, which is slay. Please send us healing energy and maybe help us find some actual affordable therapy that takes our insurance.
Also Guardian Angel, I know this might sound weird, but can you help me go viral in a good way? Like, I want to use my platform for activism and social justice, but the algorithm is literally against me. I’m trying to educate people about important issues, but TikTok keeps showing them dance videos instead.
One more thing—please protect the planet because these older generations really said ‘YOLO’ to climate change and now we have to clean up this mess. Help us fix what they broke.
OK, that’s it. You’re literally an icon. Peace out!
